No Apologies

I always thought I owed him.

Maybe it was because I hurt him and left him when I realized things couldn’t go on like that any longer. Maybe it was because I felt guilty for doing so. But today I realized, I didn’t feel sorry, and I shouldn’t be.

People make mistakes, me included. Yes, this mistake cost many inconvenience to those around me but I picked myself up, and tried to do as much damage control as I could. Like I said, somewhere along the lines I fucked up, but this mistake shouldn’t deter me from making any future choices and decisions.

Mistakes do not make you a bad person. 

This shouldn’t deter anything I do and he should know that too. Because mistakes are supposed to be learnt from and grown from. Mistakes are supposed to be a reminder, not a haunting. So I won’t say sorry for what I’ve done. There will definitely be regret, and there will definitely be guilt.

But most definitely, I won’t look back.

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Zzz

I found out it wasn’t my monthly premenstrual mood swings that caused me to feel this lowly (lmao). Somehow, I’d find myself in a pit on some days and positive on another. Then, I guessed I was putting quite a lot of pressure on myself.

I got to be a good girlfriend, be a good daughter, score well to get a good GPA, get into a local university, want to have a good future and rid myself of any drama at the moment.

It is because I am someone who overthinks, a lot. With everything that has been happening I honestly don’t know what to do. At the end of the day, all I feel now is just mentally and emotionally drained with still so much to keep up with. At the end of the day, I just get really tired. Plus the fact that nothing is improving with the situation right now and because I’m a really impatient person, I hate to wait around for this to go away.

Worst. Month. Ever.

Thankful for my boy who has been sticking with me throughout this entire period of time. Grateful because if I didn’t have him, I’d probably be breaking down almost everyday now. Zzz.

Please, I just want to get this month over and done with.

Damage Done

He was someone I cherished.

But somewhere along the lines I messed up, I admit. Before all this, he was one of the few I was proud to call my close friends… and we really hit if off well, as friends. But like I said, somewhere along the lines I did mess up, and maybe there were really some decisions I regret making. But like you said if I didn’t do the things I did, maybe six months down the road we would have already tried and broken up. Maybe things would have been worst, knowing that I might have actually lost the closest friend whom I cherished so much – you.

You’re so much more than who you think you are. To me, you’re so much more than I have ever asked for and I love you, so so much. I don’t ever think even a million words can describe how I feel about you because you’re even more than a million words. Okay, sorry for the cringe guys I had to put it out there because there is this one guy whom I cherish so much that I can’t not talk about him. He was always there when things got tough and he was somehow always the first one I called when I was feeling down, even when I didn’t mention that to him a year back. Somehow, he was always the first one that I think about.

Somehow.

But being the stupid girl I am, I messed up. But if I didn’t mess up, I wouldn’t be who I am today. I would have still been the Drey that took people for granted and only thought of myself, because that’s just how I thought a relationship should be. I was selfish.

I guess I still am.

Today was probably one of the worst days of my life. But because of you, today felt a little better. So thank you, for giving up so many things for me and for sacrificing so much. I’m still trying to do the same and I want to do the same. But I’m slowly learning still.

So forgive me, for the mistakes I’m going to make or have already made. Forgive me because we’re still young and we’re still learning. Forgive me because I’m still immature in some ways. Forgive me, because I love you.

Messed

The title explains my feelings at 3am in the damn morning right now. I guess this is due to the overwhelming thoughts and story plots my brain is trying to come up with but yet I don’t get a valid plot line and once again, I get frustrated at myself.

I have been itching to type on the keyboard lately and to write something but  nothing  actually comes up, and honestly, it gets really annoying because I love writing. To have such a bad mind bloc like this is killing me. I guess, maybe when you’re actually living in a love story, you start forgetting everything you’ve ever dreamed for.

I had lots of story ideas pop into my head when I was living in an age where fantasies come across really easily. But now? It is so hard to even think of an plot line without me losing interest in it half way through, and I’ve been this way since a year ago.

And to lose passion for the one thing I’ve always loved… It’s agonizing, really.

Hopefully, September can be good to me? I really hope I can start writing something soon because I am just really itching to give something good. And also because my readers have been waiting for a year now… or even 2… So yeah.

Just 2 more weeks and I’m free anyway.

Kimi No Na Wa

SPOILERS ALERT

So, I had been wanting to watch Kimi No Na Wa (Translated to ‘Your Name’ in English) for quite some time now ever since I saw the movie’s poster on Twitter. It included really beautiful graphic designs thus it had really drawn me in then (curse my obsession with pretty things). When I talked to my friend about it recently, he had urged me to go watch it and unable to wait any longer, I did.

Oh boy, did I regret (for a good reason).

The whole anime takes place within a period of 8 years with a 3 year gap happening simultaneously in the show. It is by far, the second saddest anime I’ve watched – first being Hotarubi No Mori E. But somehow, I felt that the ending for this show could have been better and somehow, it felt incomplete.

Putting all personal feelings aside however, I felt that the whole play of fate and predestination carried a really big impact on the show together with whole play of time as well. It first starts off a little confusing as the main characters, Taki and Mitsuha, start switching bodies but they don’t explain it until the first quarter when realization hits the both of them.

It is then that they start setting ground rules for each other and helping them in their daily lives. Nevertheless, they start to fall for one another. But before things could escalate, the switching stops and Taki sets out to find out why, and to find the girl he had unknowingly fell in love with. However, when he lands himself at his destination, he realized that he was switching bodies with a girl who had died 3 years ago. The town she lived in was hit by a comet and was wiped out.

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He later finds the shrine that he visited in Mitsuha’s body and drinks the sake inside. Now this is where things got confusing for me because I did not really understand the ritual Mitsuka had placed in the sake. However, it is here where religious beliefs in the show play out and the both of them had to leave behind their memories in order to save Mitsuha and her town.

When they both meet at Twilight (the time of supernatural occurrences), Taki returns the red braid that she had given him, back to her and they promised to write each other’s names down before Twilight ends. Unfortunately, time had run out for them and Mitsuha disappears before she could write her name. After, they start to forget the other’s existence.

But of course, Mitsuha later saves the town from the comet (with a lot of dramatic interference and memories) and lives for another 5 years where the both of them meet again in Tokyo. As they walk past each other, fate plays out as they both turn and ask for the other’s name, and the show ends.

I found predestination to play out really well during the whole duration of the movie because of the red braid that connected the both of them. In Chinese beliefs, every person is tied to their soulmate by an invincible red string called The Red String of Fate. In Kimi No Na Wa, the braid played that role as its physical state that connected the two’s fate.

When the braid was given to Taki by Mitsuha 3 years ago, it allowed the memories of their switch to stay a little longer in his mind 3 years after. When it was given back to Mitsuha, it allowed her to remember what she had to do: to save her town.

Now my personal feelings come in and honestly I can’t help but feel saddened when the both of them started forgetting the other. It was honestly a really memorable scene because after all the obstacles they overcame to find each other, they had to forget each other in the end. And when Taki wrote “I love you” instead of his name, which after gave her the final strength to move forward. Oh god, that scene.

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Nevertheless, Kimi No Na Wa was a really good movie (still not over the incomplete ending) and I hope there would be more movies/anime like this. I’m ready to kill my heart for that.

 

Work-In-Progress

darling, you must see there are nights i cry.
for i am a work in progress like
little children playing pretend.
they taunt me, call me.
boos to their barbie doll heads and rubber bands!

trap me in may where they chained me up,
and locked me in my closet with empty seats.
they made me board a train to memory lane,
find a place that maybe we could revisit and see;

how things had left the way they came
but somehow i question why
they’re never the same.

it’s now 2am. the summer breeze of july kicks in.
nothing old. nothing new.
but this time, this time!

this time,

i’m thrilled.

(k.y)

Stay Single

Stay single until you meet the person who makes you laugh until it hurts.
The one who heals any pain they didn’t cause from the past.
But more than that makes you forget about it.
The one who shows you love isn’t confusion or pain.

Stay single until you meet the person and you just know with confidence something is there.
Stay single until you meet the one who teaches you to trust someone other than yourself.
The person who calls you when they say they will.
The one who texts back never making you doubt them.

Stay single until you meet the person who shows up.
The one who respects you and treats you better than anyone before.
The one who builds you up and believes in you even if they are the only one.
The one who makes you sleep a little better at night because they are beside you.
The one you miss before you even say goodbye.

Stay single until you meet the person who says exactly how they feel about you and doesn’t fear it.
The one who not only introduces you to their family but makes you feel apart of it.
The person who knows how to make you feel better on a bad day.
The one whose presence makes you feel a little more whole.
The one who redefines what you thought love in the past was.

Stay single until you meet the person who makes sure they want you in their fuure.
The one you look at and in their eyes you see the next 50 years.
The one who says I love you and you feel it in every bone.
The one you might fight with sometimes but you two never stop fighting for each other.

Stay single until you meet someone who makes you feel better.
The one who makes you happier than you ever thought you could be.
The one you think of when those songs come on. And you turn it up a little louder.

Stay single until you meet someone who is your best friend.
Your better half.
Your soulmate.
The person you can’t imagine unknowing or ever living without after meeting them.

Until then, stay single.

ㅡ via @/kirstencorleyofficial on Thought Catalog