It’s been tough – listening to those who have gone through what they had gone through, knowing how they felt because you had also gone through it yourself.
It isn’t easy.
Over time, I learnt to realize that these situations are normal. However, how one chooses to perceive and accept it is subjective. To me, it is absolutely unfair. But I did it anyway right? Listening to Jack yesterday night and the sound of Lydia’s sobs today really broke my heart. It’s like reliving those memories and self hatred over and over, and over again.
It set as a self reminder, yet also a mocking.
Honestly, I absolutely fucking hate it.
I always loved rainy days.
For some reason, it calms me. Listening to the pitter patter of these tiny water droplets against the windows and rooftop. How nice would it be to just indulge yourself over soothing music and a cup of your favourite drink while it rains?
But somehow rainy days also bring out the worst in me sometimes. Overthinking and dark thoughts seem to loom. The ones I push away always seem to make themselves back to me on days when it rains. But it’s alright, because I always get through it, no matter how troubled.
Don’t get me wrong though; I don’t like it when there’s thunder and lightning involved. That’s just plain scary especially when I’m home alone, lel. It’s always the ones with the heavy drizzle but somehow always peaceful.
Now, because of someone, I always think of him when it rains too. Because he can’t go under the rain or he’ll get sick and it makes me worry if he went under the rain on a rainy day. Stupid boy, always making me worry about you. But I must also thank him, for making my thoughts a little less gloomy and my days, a little more looking forward to.
I always thought I owed him.
Maybe it was because I hurt him and left him when I realized things couldn’t go on like that any longer. Maybe it was because I felt guilty for doing so. But today I realized, I didn’t feel sorry, and I shouldn’t be.
People make mistakes, me included. Yes, this mistake cost many inconvenience to those around me but I picked myself up, and tried to do as much damage control as I could. Like I said, somewhere along the lines I fucked up, but this mistake shouldn’t deter me from making any future choices and decisions.
Mistakes do not make you a bad person.
This shouldn’t deter anything I do and he should know that too. Because mistakes are supposed to be learnt from and grown from. Mistakes are supposed to be a reminder, not a haunting. So I won’t say sorry for what I’ve done. There will definitely be regret, and there will definitely be guilt.
But most definitely, I won’t look back.
I found out it wasn’t my monthly premenstrual mood swings that caused me to feel this lowly (lmao). Somehow, I’d find myself in a pit on some days and positive on another. Then, I guessed I was putting quite a lot of pressure on myself.
I got to be a good girlfriend, be a good daughter, score well to get a good GPA, get into a local university, want to have a good future and rid myself of any drama at the moment.
It is because I am someone who overthinks, a lot. With everything that has been happening I honestly don’t know what to do. At the end of the day, all I feel now is just mentally and emotionally drained with still so much to keep up with. At the end of the day, I just get really tired. Plus the fact that nothing is improving with the situation right now and because I’m a really impatient person, I hate to wait around for this to go away.
Worst. Month. Ever.
Thankful for my boy who has been sticking with me throughout this entire period of time. Grateful because if I didn’t have him, I’d probably be breaking down almost everyday now. Zzz.
Please, I just want to get this month over and done with.