These days, I’ve been hurting – a lot.
There are some days when I feel a little better. But there will be days when I cry myself to sleep, blaming myself for all my past mistakes. Blaming myself for all my regrets, for all my what-ifs. Those decisions which I chose, which its outcomes could have turned into something better have I not made the choice I made. If… If only time could rewind, would I have done everything differently then?
Nothing but negativity has been coursing through my veins these past few weeks, ever since the start of the year this 2018. There will be days when I feel better with the companion of my boy and my mum, but positivity has been nothing but temporal. Why? Why have I been feeling nothing but sadness? Why have I been feeling nothing but lowness? I have been feeling so trapped, asphyxiating really.
I really hope I can do things that will build on my emotions this coming vacation. Hopefully, I will finally do the things I want to do – be brave enough to try new things. I hope I can be brave enough to not fear what is coming next. To open myself up to the unknown again. I want the old me back, I need the old me back.
Audrey, come back please.
It’s been tough – listening to those who have gone through what they had gone through, knowing how they felt because you had also gone through it yourself.
It isn’t easy.
Over time, I learnt to realize that these situations are normal. However, how one chooses to perceive and accept it is subjective. To me, it is absolutely unfair. But I did it anyway right? Listening to Jack yesterday night and the sound of Lydia’s sobs today really broke my heart. It’s like reliving those memories and self hatred over and over, and over again.
It set as a self reminder, yet also a mocking.
Honestly, I absolutely fucking hate it.
I always loved rainy days.
For some reason, it calms me. Listening to the pitter patter of these tiny water droplets against the windows and rooftop. How nice would it be to just indulge yourself over soothing music and a cup of your favourite drink while it rains?
But somehow rainy days also bring out the worst in me sometimes. Overthinking and dark thoughts seem to loom. The ones I push away always seem to make themselves back to me on days when it rains. But it’s alright, because I always get through it, no matter how troubled.
Don’t get me wrong though; I don’t like it when there’s thunder and lightning involved. That’s just plain scary especially when I’m home alone, lel. It’s always the ones with the heavy drizzle but somehow always peaceful.
Now, because of someone, I always think of him when it rains too. Because he can’t go under the rain or he’ll get sick and it makes me worry if he went under the rain on a rainy day. Stupid boy, always making me worry about you. But I must also thank him, for making my thoughts a little less gloomy and my days, a little more looking forward to.
I always thought I owed him.
Maybe it was because I hurt him and left him when I realized things couldn’t go on like that any longer. Maybe it was because I felt guilty for doing so. But today I realized, I didn’t feel sorry, and I shouldn’t be.
People make mistakes, me included. Yes, this mistake cost many inconvenience to those around me but I picked myself up, and tried to do as much damage control as I could. Like I said, somewhere along the lines I fucked up, but this mistake shouldn’t deter me from making any future choices and decisions.
Mistakes do not make you a bad person.
This shouldn’t deter anything I do and he should know that too. Because mistakes are supposed to be learnt from and grown from. Mistakes are supposed to be a reminder, not a haunting. So I won’t say sorry for what I’ve done. There will definitely be regret, and there will definitely be guilt.
But most definitely, I won’t look back.
Stay single until you meet the person who makes you laugh until it hurts.
The one who heals any pain they didn’t cause from the past.
But more than that makes you forget about it.
The one who shows you love isn’t confusion or pain.
Stay single until you meet the person and you just know with confidence something is there.
Stay single until you meet the one who teaches you to trust someone other than yourself.
The person who calls you when they say they will.
The one who texts back never making you doubt them.
Stay single until you meet the person who shows up.
The one who respects you and treats you better than anyone before.
The one who builds you up and believes in you even if they are the only one.
The one who makes you sleep a little better at night because they are beside you.
The one you miss before you even say goodbye.
Stay single until you meet the person who says exactly how they feel about you and doesn’t fear it.
The one who not only introduces you to their family but makes you feel apart of it.
The person who knows how to make you feel better on a bad day.
The one whose presence makes you feel a little more whole.
The one who redefines what you thought love in the past was.
Stay single until you meet the person who makes sure they want you in their fuure.
The one you look at and in their eyes you see the next 50 years.
The one who says I love you and you feel it in every bone.
The one you might fight with sometimes but you two never stop fighting for each other.
Stay single until you meet someone who makes you feel better.
The one who makes you happier than you ever thought you could be.
The one you think of when those songs come on. And you turn it up a little louder.
Stay single until you meet someone who is your best friend.
Your better half.
The person you can’t imagine unknowing or ever living without after meeting them.
Until then, stay single.
ㅡ via @/kirstencorleyofficial on Thought Catalog