You know, when I went for that SPSU interview, I kept thinking “it’s alright if I don’t get in”or “there are going to be plenty of chances.” I kept telling myself that SPSU was my least priority and that I wasn’t going to give a shit even if I got in.
However, I passed the interviews (shockingly). I passed phase 1. And somehow, I felt so proud of myself. News got around and friends knew. Heck, even my family got to know about it. Time passed and SPSU selection camps came. It was time for round 2.
Now this is where my feelings and emotions kick in because you see, I didn’t get selected. I was arrogant once again and no amount of detest, hate or anger could explain what I am feeling about myself. Disappointing others, what’s the point huh? If you said you were scared but at the same time you do it over and over and over.
In the end, I only disappoint myself, don’t I?
Some said it was due to the connections I lack, or even the camps I didn’t go. But I can only blame myself. Even now, I don’t think I can forgive myself.
I didn’t really expect myself to get high hopes for SPSU in the end. I only thought if it was there, it’d be something I’d take for granted. But now, I’m feeling pretty rotten over the fact that I’m not in. I think this feeling will stick.
Guessing SB Club in the only thing I’m relying on now. There’s also MMA for me to take my anger out, considering I have major anger issues but bottle it up. So next time, mental reminder that I’m a nothing. Or maybe there really isn’t is a next time now that there’s no chance open anytime soon for the next 3 years of my life.