Love Yourself

It hurts. This pain in my chest; the demons in my head – nothing can beat the ache which I am feeling right now. This feeling of self-worthlessness, self-hatred, lack of self-love. My demons are coming back, and demons aren’t friendly.

Hazel asked me today, “How do you truly get over someone?” I guess you really don’t. You’ll never know when you have finally moved on from your previous relationship or someone whom you’ve loved. It’s just a matter of whether you’re willing to take on a new challenge in life, but you also got to take care of yourself – know if you’ve recovered enough from the old lesson. I guess it’s how you take on these new challenges as well. One day, you’re going to realize you’re never going to be ready, and that you’ve just got to keep moving forward.

That’s just how life works. It’s cruel that way.

She also asked me if you’d ever truly get to know who you are after a break-up.  My take? You’re never going to figure out who you truly are. That’s because at every stage in life there are lessons to learn, and after every lesson learnt changes you as a person. I guess it’s when you’ve recovered from that lesson that you’re ready to take on other challenges in life (linking back to what I said before). Especially after a break-up, you’d somehow end up loving yourself less. But it’s after learning what went wrong and recovering that you’ll love yourself even more than before.

That’s why self-care is so important.

Do the things you love. Take time alone and think. Read a book. Self-care is what’s most important. Never ever underestimate loving yourself because you’ve got to love yourself before loving anyone else.

“It’s like spreading mayonnaise when you’ve only got mustard.” – Liza Koshy

Damn that girl. She’s everything I aspire to be hahaha. But moving on, I hope one day I’d really find the courage to love myself first. Because self-love (I can’t stress anymore on this) is what’s most important. Love yourself. Because loving yourself is the greatest thing you can do for yourself.

 Because in this world, the only person who can save you, is you.

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Self-Taught

I found a new family.

When I first broke up, nothing but regret coursed through the entirety of my veins. The self-hatred only started building and soon it overwhelmed me too much to a point I started believing I was worthless, and that life was meaningless. My school is honestly a mess at this point in time – to a point where I try to avoid my classmates (or rather group mates) at any given opportunity.

My friends are honestly one of the most toxic and curious question marks in my life right now because I keep wondering – who are true to me and who is not? I’ve been hearing many stories behind my back which only lead me to wonder: to all my friends who said they’d stick with me and stick up for me, where are you? It has been nothing but doubts coursing through my mind whenever I face the same old people every day. Honestly, it has been very very suffocating to put on a font when you don’t even want to be there.

So far in my life, I’m proud to say that I’ve only got 4 people I can count on, and those are solely from secondary school. Emily, Hazel, Joan, Hannah – even though they aren’t with me 100% of the time and they piss the hell out of me at times, they’d always seem to be the ones who got my back at the very end of the day. Poly wise – I think so far 2? No names mentioned but I’m still… testing the waters. After all, poly does have a lot of snakes, and I’m not lying at all haha.

When I first broke up with my ex, someone asked me if I’d be heartbroken if he moved onto another girl. I only replied, “I’m not that kind of girl who would go crying and asking why. I mean- if he chose to be with another girl then I guess first we’re not meant to be and also second it only goes to show what kind of a person he is.” However, the reply to my answer was not something I expected. He told me, “No. The only reason you feel indifferent about it is that you haven’t loved someone to a point where losing them to someone else made you hurt like hell.” And honestly, his answer really really hit me.

I hadn’t actually gotten around loving someone before. In fact, I have never loved someone before. Hence, I can only tell myself that I don’t know what love is and what it feels like. These feelings of infatuation/lust/interests, they’ll all leave one day. So now I’m dedicating time for myself to enjoy what I have and whom I have around me. Because love can wait. If it comes, it’ll come. And if I find love one day, then I’d probably be the happiest girl in the world.

My life has been pretty toxic so far though – drinking nights every Friday and nights out every Saturday. All this partying is making me realize that somehow I ended up losing myself more and more into the scene and I think it’s time for me to start pulling myself back. I need to stop myself before it gets too far. I want to turn to Muay Thai to train… but as of now, I need the money, which I don’t… obviously.

And as of now which leads to the final conclusion of this entry: the beginning sentence of this journal. It is exactly what it is: I found a new family – or rather – more like a clique you can call it. A group of friends brought together by a single guy – who happens to be cute as heck – but also not realising how much of an impact he brought to my life. We first started talking a month plus back, and later he introduced me to his friends. And now I find myself spending chill weekends playing NBA and drinking shots and taking leaps of faith with them haha! It was a good get together – especially yesterday night.

A new scene was all I need; a fresh environment. A group of people who didn’t know me as the Drey in poly but more of just… Drey. They accept my stupidity when I go bonkers and we talk random stuff. In the meantime, I get to know more about them as time passes. Honestly, I hope this never stops and I really hope these new friendships made will last me as far as we go. Like my brothers they are… I now know how it feels like to have a sibling or somewhat near that phase. It’s like 3 older brothers whom I hope I can last a good friendship with them, even if they enlist in the near future.

But this is to life; for bringing me all the ups and the downs within such a short period of time – making me feel insanely human to break down and cry. And also teaching me that it’s really okay to be not okay? But also there are limits where we can’t cross and sometimes sucking up is all we got to do. So thanks life – but I’m still learning. So, I hope you can give it some time for me to recover and slowly bring the healthy Drey back into this world again. The Drey who knows her limits; knows how to work hard, and also knows how to have fun. I’m still learning, but thanks.

🙂

Heart Break

It’s been tough – listening to those who have gone through what they had gone through, knowing how they felt because you had also gone through it yourself.

It isn’t easy.

Over time, I learnt to realize that these situations are normal. However, how one chooses to perceive and accept it is subjective. To me, it is absolutely unfair. But I did it anyway right? Listening to Jack yesterday night and the sound of Lydia’s sobs today really broke my heart. It’s like reliving those memories and self hatred over and over, and over again.

It set as a self reminder, yet also a mocking.

Honestly, I absolutely fucking hate it.