These days, I’ve been hurting – a lot.
There are some days when I feel a little better. But there will be days when I cry myself to sleep, blaming myself for all my past mistakes. Blaming myself for all my regrets, for all my what-ifs. Those decisions which I chose, which its outcomes could have turned into something better have I not made the choice I made. If… If only time could rewind, would I have done everything differently then?
Nothing but negativity has been coursing through my veins these past few weeks, ever since the start of the year this 2018. There will be days when I feel better with the companion of my boy and my mum, but positivity has been nothing but temporal. Why? Why have I been feeling nothing but sadness? Why have I been feeling nothing but lowness? I have been feeling so trapped, asphyxiating really.
I really hope I can do things that will build on my emotions this coming vacation. Hopefully, I will finally do the things I want to do – be brave enough to try new things. I hope I can be brave enough to not fear what is coming next. To open myself up to the unknown again. I want the old me back, I need the old me back.
Audrey, come back please.
Truth to be told, I was very disappointed. With myself – that was.
I wanted presidency, and I missed by that small bit. But later, people started comforting me with words that made me feel a little better yet no less disappointed. Of course, it is definitely heartbreaking to not get rewarded with what you desired so much even after working so hard for one entire year. But nonetheless it was a lesson learnt.
It always is.
But I guess what made me the better the most was that [they] were right. After all [they] are people I respect and look up to because [they] have done things better before. And to hear [them] talk about it, it was really comforting. It made my entire night seem better (at least for now).
I made many mistakes, this I know not being any of them. It was simple: I tried my best. Maybe it wasn’t enough to the seniors, but to me I tried my hardest – and I need to keep trying. But it also reminded me of the mistake I made months ago. The mistake till now I still can’t forgive myself for.
But I think it’s really time for me to move on. Get a counselor. Talk about it, get over it, move on. It’s time for a new beginning, and I shall make one myself.
“You can start over, every morning.”
I chanced upon it over twitter and it hasn’t left my mind ever since. Yes I’m trying and yes, it’s hard. But I got to keep fighting. I got to get back the happiness I once had, the confidence and joy that I miss oh so much. So I got to keep trying. For myself, and not anyone else. Because the only person who can save me – is me. So I got to keep trying.
I must keep trying.
It’s been tough – listening to those who have gone through what they had gone through, knowing how they felt because you had also gone through it yourself.
It isn’t easy.
Over time, I learnt to realize that these situations are normal. However, how one chooses to perceive and accept it is subjective. To me, it is absolutely unfair. But I did it anyway right? Listening to Jack yesterday night and the sound of Lydia’s sobs today really broke my heart. It’s like reliving those memories and self hatred over and over, and over again.
It set as a self reminder, yet also a mocking.
Honestly, I absolutely fucking hate it.
I keep doing everything wrong.
I always loved rainy days.
For some reason, it calms me. Listening to the pitter patter of these tiny water droplets against the windows and rooftop. How nice would it be to just indulge yourself over soothing music and a cup of your favourite drink while it rains?
But somehow rainy days also bring out the worst in me sometimes. Overthinking and dark thoughts seem to loom. The ones I push away always seem to make themselves back to me on days when it rains. But it’s alright, because I always get through it, no matter how troubled.
Don’t get me wrong though; I don’t like it when there’s thunder and lightning involved. That’s just plain scary especially when I’m home alone, lel. It’s always the ones with the heavy drizzle but somehow always peaceful.
Now, because of someone, I always think of him when it rains too. Because he can’t go under the rain or he’ll get sick and it makes me worry if he went under the rain on a rainy day. Stupid boy, always making me worry about you. But I must also thank him, for making my thoughts a little less gloomy and my days, a little more looking forward to.